To Have Loved and Lost
by fey of the forest
Summary: Spoilers for s4 finale! Just a oneshot based on the finale. Arthur's POV. His thoughts on Gwen


**Hey guys**

**Just a one shot based on the series 4 finale. Spoilers ahead**

**Hope you enjoy and reviews = virtual cookies**

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**Love**

**Fey of the Forest**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Merlin, alas...**

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><p>He stood there, wounded and exhausted from the day's exertions, knowing that he had won back one of the things most precious to him. Though it had not been an even fight and inevitably both sides had heavily suffered, the castle and the kingdom was once again his. He had regained his rightful place on the throne of Camelot. He supposed he should have been happy, but there was one thing still missing. He could not celebrate his victory, for though he had regained his kingdom, his title and his people, he had lost two people who had been closest to him.<p>

He had lost his uncle that day. Though Agravaine had betrayed him and been the reason for the day's chaos and destruction, he had been Arthur's closest advisor. Yes he had betrayed him and been in league with Morgana since the day he had arrived in Camelot, but he had been family. More than that, he had been the last of his family. He had been the one who had guided and supported him in those first few months as king. He had been the one Arthur had turned to whenever he had needed help, and though he hadn't agreed with his opinions all the time, it had helped the young Pendragon to develop into the strong king he would be. Agravaine may have misguided him on many things and been a traitor, but it didn't mean that Arthur was ungrateful. If nothing else it had taught him that he couldn't trust everyone, no matter their relationship.

Arthur did regret some of the decisions he had made, but what person didn't? But there were a few choices he regretted more than most, and they had been made under his uncle's guidance. As he rested on one of the pillars in the castle's Great Hall, Arthur Pendragon found himself standing opposite one of those regrets. He didn't regret falling in love with her. He regretted what he had done to her. It had been Agravaine that had forced him to banish her and he had never wanted to do that. Since the moment he had passed judgment he had hated himself, and regardless of what he told anyone, he couldn't stop loving her. He never would either. The truth was he had never wanted her to leave, and especially on his account. Yes she had betrayed him with Lancelot but he could forgive her that. After all, Lancelot had been the first man that Gwen had shown an interest in and before his reappearance at the pre wedding celebrations everyone had believed Lancelot to be dead. Gwen would have been confused. The fact was he could, and always would, forgive her.

The sound of tears brought him back from his thoughts and his gaze rested on the ill fated couple. It was his fault that Isolde was dying. It was him that she had saved and in doing so had lost her own. Arthur would forever be grateful to her for her sacrifice. He was only sorry that it had to end like this. For Isolde to die in Tristan's arms was a sad sight to behold, but in some respects they were lucky to be together in those last moments. It was a painful reminder of how precious life was and how soon it could be cut short. Risking a look at the love of his life, Arthur found her looking at him, perfectly mirroring his own expression.

In that one moment Arthur Pendragon knew exactly what he would do.

He had already lost her once and that had torn his heart to pieces. He had felt ever so guilty for sending her away from her home and ever since then nothing had felt right. The castle had seemed empty without her there and he had never truly been happy since she had gone. He had wanted nothing more than to run after her before she had even reached the castle gates once he'd banished her, but he hadn't been able to. By the time he actually brought himself round she had been miles away and though he had the resources he knew he couldn't waste them on chasing a girl he had exiled. He had thought from that day on that he would never see her again and that thought had broken his heart. He had spent many a sleepless night since that judgment day wondering just where she had gone, and more than once he had been very close to abandoning Camelot to go and search for her. He would never rest until he found her if that was the case. Ironically, she had found him in the end.

Words could not have described how he had felt when he had woken with her in the room in Ealdor. He had been overjoyed to see her, but he knew that things weren't the same as what they had once been. But to finally see her after all that time, and to find out that his worst fears hadn't been realised had made him feel happy for the first time since he had proposed. It didn't matter too much to him that things had changed. Just to be near to her was enough. Just to see those eyes, that smile, the way she tucked her hair behind her ear when she was happy... the way she carried herself and was always cheery. She would do anything for anyone, she was that kind hearted, and she was fiercely loyal to her friends. She believed in him and it was her support and guidance that had helped him in these troubling times. He needed her, and he never wanted to lose her.

He could have lost her today though. He had risked her life to take back Camelot, and so he had kept her and Merlin close to him. At least that way he could keep an eye on them and protect them. If anything had happened to either of them that day he would never have forgiven himself. Merlin was a loyal and faithful friend, who had sacrificed much for him. He doubted he would ever find a servant as devoted as Merlin in the whole of the Five Kingdoms. Guinevere had given up so much for him as well. She had lost her father and he had sent her away from her home and everything that she knew. He would not blame her if she never wanted to have anything to do with him again.

As Isolde passed from this world and into the next in Tristan's arms, Arthur knew exactly what he was going to do. He had already nearly lost Guinevere twice. There was nothing that would make him want to lose her a third time. It was for her that he had fought that day and it was for her that he would build Camelot into a much better place. He could only hope that she wanted to be by his side when he began again.

He hadn't been able to talk to her properly since the battle. The moment the castle had been regained King Arthur had been dealing with the aftermath. With families needing to be informed of the death of loved ones, temporary shelters needing to be set up and the wounded needing to be tended, rest would be a long way off. As a result he had been unable to snatch a few moments to find Gwen and ask her that all important question, but the first chance he got he was running to see her.

Of course part of him worried that she may say no. That she may not want him. He had, after all, caused her a lot of grief, suffering and heartache. He had broken her heart after all. But he had to ask. He couldn't remain silent on this anymore, and he had to know for certain, just to put his mind at rest. When he found her in his room setting it to rights, just for one moment it was as if she had never left. Looking into those beautiful brown eyes of hers he asked that one question that everything rested on and knew he need not have worried.

He would not be losing her for a long time yet.


End file.
